First, let's talk about what it means for someone to be "spoiled." Too Many people do not understand the meaning. Many people make the mistake of thinking that by being loving and positive with a child, they are spoiling the child. That is not true. Being loving and positive with children is the most important and most healthy parenting skill. The classic definition of the term "spoiling" the child is about using an overly permissive and materialistic parenting style. When a parent is overly permissive, they do not make or expect a child to follow rules. They do not shape their child to be responsible members of society. Many rules involve giving a child structure which helps them learn how to become active, productive members of society. When children have no rules, limits or boundaries, they are being raised to become a burden on society. When children are given everything they want, when they want it, they begin to expect that this will occur all their lives. They are then set up to have unrealistic expectations and will be badly disappointed, perhaps even angry, when they are inevitably let down. When children are raised to expect that they will receive whatever they want, whenever they want it, they are being spoiled and raised to be a burden on society.
Using positive discipline with children as they grow up leads to their developing self discipline. Positive discipline involves using a strong firm tone of voice. It does not involve screaming at children. Nor does it involve just letting children do whatever they want. Being firm with children needs to be done from a place within the parent, where she feels secure in her ideas about what is or is not okay for her children to do. This involves foresight; reading, thinking and making decisions about what she believes is important. It involves discussions with all the adults involved in raising the child. For instance, most parents would agree that it is not okay for siblings (or friends) to fight one another to the point of someone getting hurt. Yes, siblings will fight, and, with their parents help children can learn how to have constructive conflicts. If a parent can guide the children, without giving in to either child, or suggesting that one child is always right, the children can learn how to resolve their conflicts constructively. When children fight, if a parent simply walks away, she is not helping children learn constructive conflict resolution skills. When a parent gets overly involved and begins to solve the problem for the children, they don't learn anything. Teaching children how to resolve conflicts needs to begin during their formative years. It begins by teaching children to respect all life and to be kind to everyone.
One way to do that is to teach children to be kind is by using creatures that are less intelligent and powerful than they are. For instance, most toddlers love to chase birds. That is actually an opportunity to teach the child to be kind to birds. After all, birds are smaller, weaker and less intelligent than the child is. When children learn that it's not very nice to scare birds and are taught to be interested in and kind to birds, they are learning how to be kind to all life forms. This is one advantage of having pets for your children. Taking care of their own pet is a wonderful way for children to learn how to be kind to, and responsible for another living creature. If parents are consistent in their insistence that the children take care of the pet, the children will do so, eventually. We often have to remind children to do something repeatedly. Sometimes we have to remind them 3 times, other times we have to remind them 103 times. We have to remind children to do something until they get it and begin to do it by themselves. That is healthy discipline. If a parent gives in and starts to do the job herself, the child learns that somebody else will do it eventually.
A big part of discipline is simply learning how to outlast the child. Children can decide that they are going to do what they want to do, when they want to do it, and they can be very persistent. It is amazing how persistent children can be. Parents have to be more so. Parents cannot give in and do things for the children. If parents give in and do things the child should do, they are teaching the child that he does not really have to do anything, and someone else will eventually do it for him. Parents must be more persistent and more patient than children. If parents can outlast a child, they will be increasing their own skills in persistence and patience.
One of the most basic realities of life is work. Everyone has to work. Good work is gratifying and fulfilling. Taking part in the production of something positive is a valuable part of positive self-esteem. When children do not have to do any work in the house, they do not learn how to cope with work in the world and they are not learning what they can do to feel good about themselves. A job well done is very gratifying. The same is true of school homework. Homework and housework are part of our everyday lives. When children are taught, during their toddler year to pick up after themselves, to put a toy away when they are finished with it, they are learning how to be responsible for their belongings and space, they are learning self care. If children are taught this basic skill early in life they will not have a problem later on, when they are teenagers. Many parents are not persistent and consistent in teaching their children to pick up after themselves when they are toddlers and then they wonder why the adolescent is messy. Not teaching your children how to take care of her belongings or space is part of spoiling a child. Spoiling a child in this manner will also undermine her self esteem. Having good work to feel proud of is part of building healthy self-esteem.
Manners are another area of importance. No, I am not talking about learning to use the right fork at a fancy dinner, nor any of the superfluous overdeveloped manners that one might expect in high society. I am talking about very basic manners such as using the word "please" when asking for something and using the words "thank-you" after receiving what you want. When children are raised to use these two words from a very early age on, they learn to respect what is being done for them. When my oldest child was about a year old, the first word he learned to say was "cookie," it came out sounding like, "gooky". I realized if he could say cookie well enough that I could understand it, he could also say, "Please". The next time he said, "gooky, gooky, gooky," I held onto the cookie and said, "Cookie, please". It did not take him long to add the word, "please" to his repertoire. It sounded like, "gooky, pease!" It was charming and became a game until he absorbed the word, "Please." I used a similar method to help him learn how to say, "thank you". I put the cookie in his hand, but kept my hand on the cookie until he repeated, "thank you." Again, it was a game that he enjoyed learning. As he experienced more situations in which those two words were appropriate, he began to understand that those two words had little to do with what was being given to him and more to do with a way of interacting pleasantly and respectfully with other people. My approach was pleasant and firm. I had to use a polite approach, because how can you teach a child to be polite if you don't use a teaching manner that is polite?
The most important technique for the parent/teacher to use is being polite him or herself. Many of us remember the experience of having a parent or teacher scream, rudely, at us "you're being rude to me!" Unfortunately, quite often, they did not realize how rude they were being. So, using a polite teaching manner with our children is vital when we are trying to teach them manners. In order to teach my children the value of holding a door open for another person, I held doors open for them. I taught by example and that has paid off. Now they hold doors open for me, not because they feel they have to, but because I did it for them for so long. Another technique I used is to praise them a great deal when they hold doors for other people. Positive feedback is the best kind of feedback there is.
It's a very sad condition when healthy children are so spoiled by parents that they become more of a burden on society. In a world where there are so many who are poverty-stricken, we need more children to grow up to be adults with a value system that includes helping those who have less than they have. Giving children everything they want, when they want it results in their not appreciating what they do have. When they don't appreciate what they do have, they want more. As long as they are focused on wanting more, they will be unable to see the many people in the world who have so much less than they have.
There is no need for anyone in our world to starve to death or die from a lack of water. Our world is filled with plentiful resources for everyone. What is needed is for everyone to recognize that and to begin to find ways to share those resources with everyone else. Children, who are raised with that knowledge and the ability to care for others, will help to resolve many of these issues.